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How to jerk

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Hold the package in your preferred hand or cram everything under a cushion, then pleasure yourself to completion.

Rubber Gloves. When you want to feel like someone else is giving you the greatest reach-around of your life, don a latex sheath on your own hand before whacking off.

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Generally, combined contacts may be used to avoid the jerk and wear and noise associated with a single follower e. An elastically deformable mass deforms under an applied force or acceleration ; the deformation is a function of its stiffness and the magnitude of force.

If the change in force is slow, the jerk is small, and the propagation of deformation is considered instantaneous as compared to the change in acceleration.

The distorted body acts as if it were in a quasi-static regime , and only a changing force non-zero jerk can cause propagation of mechanical waves or electromagnetic waves for a charged particle ; therefore, for nonzero-to-high jerk, a shock wave and its propagation through the body should be considered.

The propagation of deformation is shown in the graphic "Compression wave patterns" as a compressional plane wave through an elastically deformable material.

Also shown, for angular jerk, are the deformation waves propagating in a circular pattern, which causes shear stress and possibly other modes of vibration.

The reflection of waves along the boundaries cause constructive interference patterns not pictured , producing stresses that may exceed the material's limits.

The deformation waves may cause vibrations, which can lead to noise, wear, and failure, especially in cases of resonance.

The graphic captioned "Pole with massive top" shows a block connected to an elastic pole and a massive top.

The pole bends when the block accelerates, and when the acceleration stops, the top will oscillate damped under the regime of pole stiffness.

One could argue that a greater periodic jerk might excite a larger amplitude of oscillation because small oscillations are damped before reinforcement by a shock wave.

One can also argue that a larger jerk might increase the probability of exciting a resonant mode because the larger wave components of the shock wave have higher frequencies and Fourier coefficients.

To reduce the amplitude of excited stress waves and vibrations, one can limit jerk by shaping motion and making the acceleration continuous with slopes as flat as possible.

Due to limitations of abstract models, algorithms for reducing vibrations include higher derivatives, such as jounce, or suggest continuous regimes for both acceleration and jerk.

One concept for limiting jerk is to shape acceleration and deceleration sinusoidally with zero acceleration in between see graphic captioned "Sinusoidal acceleration profile" , making the speed appear sinusoidal with constant maximum speed.

The jerk, however, will remain discontinuous at the points where acceleration enters and leaves the zero phases.

Roads and tracks are designed to limit the jerk caused by changes in their curvature. On railways, designers use 0. Track transition curves limit the jerk when transitioning from a straight line to a curve, or vice versa.

Recall that in constant-speed motion along an arc, jerk is zero in the tangential direction and nonzero in the inward normal direction.

Transition curves gradually increase the curvature and, consequently, the centripetal acceleration.

An Euler spiral , the theoretically optimum transition curve, linearly increases centripetal acceleration and results in constant jerk see graphic.

In real-world applications, the plane of the track is inclined cant along the curved sections. The incline causes vertical acceleration, which is a design consideration for wear on the track and embankment.

The Wiener Kurve Viennese Curve is a patented curve designed to minimize this wear. Roller coasters [2] are also designed with track transitions to limit jerk.

When entering a loop, acceleration values can reach 4g, and riding in this high acceleration environment is only possible with track transitions.

S-shaped curves, such as figure eights, also use track transitions for smooth rides. In motion control , the design focus is on straight, linear motion, with the need to move a system from one steady position to another point-to-point motion.

The design concern from a jerk-perspective is vertical jerk; the jerk from tangential acceleration is effectively zero since linear motion is non-rotational.

Motion control applications include passenger elevators and machining tools. Limiting vertical jerk is considered essential for elevator riding convenience.

It is reported [8] that most passengers rate a vertical jerk of 2. For hospitals, 0. A primary design goal for motion control is to minimize the transition time without exceeding speed, acceleration, or jerk limits.

Consider a third-order motion-control profile with quadratic ramping and de-ramping phases in velocity see figure. Segment four's time period constant velocity varies with distance between the two positions.

If this distance is so small that omitting segment four would not suffice, then segments two and six constant acceleration could be equally reduced, and the constant velocity limit would not be reached.

If this modification does not sufficiently reduce the crossed distance, then segments one, three, five, and seven could be shortened by an equal amount, and the constant acceleration limits would not be reached.

Other motion profile strategies are used, such as minimizing the square of jerk for a given transition time [9] and, as discussed above, sinusoidal-shaped acceleration profiles.

Motion profiles are tailored for specific applications including machines, people movers, chain hoists, automobiles, and robotics. Jerk is an important consideration in manufacturing processes.

Rapid changes in acceleration of a cutting tool can lead to premature tool wear and result in uneven cuts; consequently, modern motion controllers include jerk limitation features.

In mechanical engineering, jerk, in addition to velocity and acceleration, is considered in the development of cam profiles because of tribological implications and the ability of the actuated body to follow the cam profile without chatter.

A device that measures jerk is called a "jerkmeter". Further time derivatives have also been named, as snap or jounce fourth derivative , crackle fifth derivative , and pop sixth derivative.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Rate of change of acceleration with time. This article includes a list of general references , but it remains largely unverified because it lacks sufficient corresponding inline citations.

Please help to improve this article by introducing more precise citations. March Learn how and when to remove this template message. See also: Human tolerance of g-force and How human physiology processes and responds to motion.

Dual cam drives. Compression wave patterns. Main article: Fourth, fifth, and sixth derivatives of position. Bibcode : CSF Retrieved Archived from the original PDF on International Organization for Standardization.

Retrieved 31 December Archived from the original on 14 March March Retrieved 29 February The common names for the first three derivatives are velocity, acceleration, and jerk.

The not so common names for the next three derivatives are snap, crackle, and pop.

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You can hold the cylinder in your hand or wedge it between your mattresses or your couch. Cock-condiments are more pleasurable when warmed slightly in the microwave; but make sure you test the temperature first before putting your prick into anything hot.

Take a large cucumber, squash, watermelon, honeydew, or cantaloupe, cut a hole to fit your erection in one side, and a smaller opening the size of a pencil in the other.

Hollow out the inside to fit your circumference and then screw the squishy goodness. You can place your finger over the small hole and remove it to adjust the draw to simulate the effect of getting a blowjob.

Select a jar and fill it with stewed tomatoes, Spaghetti O's, mac-n-cheese, cottage cheese, oatmeal or peanut butter. Cover the top with plastic wrap and a rubber band, cut a hole and you're ready to go.

You can also turn your salami into a sandwich by slapping it between two pieces of bread, bologna, chicken breast, chicken skin, lamb kebob, spam, liver, lox, or steak.

Grab your meal two-fisted, squeeze and squirt. Plastic Baggie. Pick your size from snack to storage , fill it with Crisco, Vaseline, Jell-O or banana pulp, and then stuff it with your meat.

Hold the package in your preferred hand or cram everything under a cushion, then pleasure yourself to completion. Rubber Gloves. When you want to feel like someone else is giving you the greatest reach-around of your life, don a latex sheath on your own hand before whacking off.

Use your favorite lubricant unless you're into medical fetishes, or the sensation of being examined at the doctor's office.

If you do it anyway, beware that peeing and ejaculating may be painful for several days, but the stinging will subside. News News See all. Food See all.

Music See all. Entertainment See all. The State of the Art House: L. Arts See all. Bonjour, Belgium! Silo Brings L. Artists to the Streets of Brussels October 12, Culture See all.

Podcast See all. Fleshlight It's like if Ed Gein got into porn and collected just one body part. Patented in , the Fleshlight was the answer to the warm meat conundrum: How can I rub my chub in a way that is more exotic and satisfying than using my hand, but will not leave a slime trail of salmonella bacteria on my sack?

Many people claim the Fleshlight is even better than the real thing, at which point we're left to consider whether by "real thing" they mean their hand -- which of course they don't mean -- or an actual human vagina -- which, sadly, they do mean.

The existential sadness of anyone claiming that a disembodied rubber vag-sleeve is better than having sex with another person is something no Cracked columnist can dare take on without some serious alcohol to fuel the poetic ennui that will follow.

I refuse the challenge, because I have masters to bate and a soul that still glows a little when you say nice things to it. Maybe one day, if I ever willingly take a nap on a back alley mattress and start agreeing with things Donald Trump says, I'll be able to revisit this idea, but until then, no.

No sir. Now, this isn't to say a Fleshlight is an unpleasant experience. If you have the chance, you go ahead and pork that little rubber fun hole.

It's not bad at all. I would argue that a Fleshlight is to sex what Taco Bell is to a Mexican banquet. It's not really in the ballpark, and sure, some snotty people who think they're better than you will make fun of it.

But you know what? When you're drunk at 2 a. The major downside to the Fleshlight is that it's a lot like manual labor. Masturbating with your hand affords you that flesh-to-flesh connection.

It's not work; it's personal grooming. You're cleaning your pipes. But the Fleshlight in hand makes it a bit more like mixing a never-ending martini that you can't drink -- and instead of an olive, you're garnishing it with man nectar that you need to hose out the end of a length of flopping, disembodied, pseudo-vaginal canal.

Gritty Woman At which point, your only hope is to become turned on by tapeworms. I want you to put on your 3D glasses, hop on your hoverboard, and start eating astronaut ice cream, because the future of tugging on your tuber is now.

The Autoblow 2 is the most advanced form of wanking mankind has to offer. After this, we can only design robot arms with gentle-yet-firm jacking motions.

And you know after the preliminary trials, the whole project is going to be set back when one goes haywire and yanks some volunteer's dick off with such force that it gets javelined across a room and embedded in a brick wall.

The Autoblow takes the basic premise of a Fleshlight -- a fake, semi-realistic vagina with a tail -- and adds a new dimension of awesome that the old Fleshlight failed miserably at achieving.

This dimension is, of course, autonomy. You can read a damn book while this thing grinds your organ.

You'll probably need to balance it between your thighs a little, or wedge it slightly between yourself and a pillow.

But with only a little effort, you're doing your taxes, you're eating pudding, you're braiding your hair, whatever.

Sky's the limit. Letsgasm Be mindful of which pudding you eat, however. The clear upside of the Autoblow is that it finally takes masturbation out of your hands.

You just have to be comfortable with a Donkey Kong-esque barrel on your junk. It has variable speeds as well, so you can go from lazy Quaalude mumble-munch to Furious 7 Vin Diesel power gulp.

The downside to the Autoblow, depending on how you feel about noise, is that it sounds like you're being blown by the factory from the end The Terminator.

Just a cacophony of churning, rumbling gears, and actuators slouching along towards Jizzrael. Orion Pictures "Live with me if you want to cum.

The other issue here is one of balance. The Autoblow's big selling point is that it saves you the dreaded carpal tunnel and wrist stress of all compulsive masturbators before you, but it's still not entirely hands-free.

It's got girth -- it's like you're trying to fuck a two-liter bottle of root beer that's really into it -- but you either have to hold it up or, as I said, find some way to balance it.

Or as a last ditch effort, you need to stand and place it at wang level with something to weigh it down and just be there, in the moment.

A dude with his dick in a blowie machine. Has technology improved the wank? Have our advances in texturized rubbers improved our alone time?

Is the handjob your grandfather's handjob? After thorough consideration, weighing all pros and cons, I have to conclude that traditional, you-and-your-dirty-kielbasa-claw masturbation is still the best form.

Ease of use. It's as simple as that. Sure, the Autoblow is an impressive sensation, but can you do that on an elevator with a hole cut in the pocket of your dress pants without anyone else noticing?

Not at all. Are you taking a few minutes out of your workday to "go to the bathroom" and bringing a Fleshlight? Do you dare smuggle a ham sandwich into a movie theater?

Steve Jobs. Fact is, your hand belongs on your arm, so no one is ever suspicious when you have it. You never need to plan to bring it anywhere, and you never need to hide it or prepare it or sanitize it and put it away when you're done.

These other methods are like those kitchen gadgets they advertise in infomercials. Sure, maybe you could buy the Bullet home smoothie-making kit and use it a few times, but for the most part, you're just filling a plain old cup with vodka and drinking that.

It's simple. It's what you've been doing your whole life. It's efficient, and at the end of the day, it does the job perfectly. So in a way, technology has indeed changed the way you jerk off -- and maybe even made it feel better, or at least different.

But did it improve it? Will it replace it? No it won't. Masturbatory scientists have been at it for a long time heh.

And see their greatest breakthrough yet: Masturbation Cream. No this isn't a lubricant for sex. This is Masturbation Cream. Also follow us on Facebook , because our page makes a great "just got walked in on while watching porn" cut-to.

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